For the first four decades of my life, I was convinced that I hated watching football. The idea of “wasting” a Sunday afternoon that I could be spending doing something “productive” like working out or checking things off my to do list did not appeal to me. Also, watching sports has never really left me feeling entertained, and it has always felt like a chore to pay attention to any kind of sporting event.
Then, two years ago, I started a relationship with a man who LOVES watching football. Because I’m trying to challenge all of my previous assumptions, I decided to just try to sit with him and experience something he loved through his lens rather than mine. Much to my surprise, I quickly started to see what he saw that I did not previously see, and with a bit of creativity and curiosity, I found a way to love football in part because the man I loved loved football and in part because I learned to love it in my own unique way. As just one example, I sometimes lift weights and do yoga while my partner watches football. I check something off my list, and he has something entertaining to watch during commercial breaks. Win-win.
This is just one of the many examples of the things I’ve changed my mind about regarding what I think I need and want from a partner. One of the surprising things about love is how often it changes us. I wrote a blog post a while back about the 47 Qualities I’m Looking For in a Man (And Why I Might Ignore Most of Them). Since publishing that post and having the opportunity to experience things through the lens of different relationships, my list has continued to morph–I removed some items, refined some items, and now have a list of 57 criteria.
I want to continue to remember the advice I received from my mentor, Mikela Tarlow in Episode 15 of our “Imperfectly Honest” podcast, When Life and Love Don’t Have to Be Hard.
“It is only when I let go of the picture of the man I was searching for that I was able to find true love.”
With that said, here is my revised list.
The seven things I feel I need from a romantic partner.
- I want 90% of our conversations to feel effortless.
- I want to learn something from my partner in nearly every conversation, and to feel as if they learned something from me.
- I want to laugh, feel relaxed, and feel as if I have permission to let my hair down and be ME.
- I don’t actually want unconditional love; rather, I want to feel challenged to continually earn my partner’s affection by bringing my best to our relationship every day. However, when I do bring my best, I want to feel certain that I am enough.
- When I am unable to bring my best, I want my partner to see that I am “the best I can be for today.” In those moments, I want them to want more from me, but to also accept me as I am, and to believe that my good far outweighs my bad.
- I want to trust my partner’s ethics without question, and to believe that the hurt and disappointment I will most certainly experience from our partnership will be delivered unintentionally. I want them to believe the same about me.
- I want to feel as if I have permission to share my unscripted thoughts and occasionally f**k up royally. I want to feel certain that if my unscripted thoughts and f**k-ups cause confusion or hurt, that my partner will know that was not my intention and welcome a clarifying conversation.
The edits I’ve made to my broader list of 57 criteria.
I changed “Does not have children or has adult children.” to “Does not have children or has children I would genuinely want to spend time with.” I’m feeling more and more drawn to the idea of children becoming a part of my life. I still don’t think kids under the age of six are for me, but I’m open to changing my mind.
I’ve dropped “business” from “Has achieved or has the potential to achieve more business success than I have.” I’m realizing that I’ve lived in a business-focused bubble for most of my life and I’m enjoying the opportunity to broaden my perspective with scientists, artists, nonprofit leaders, etc. Also, my definition of “success” is fluid. I am attracted to dominant, ambitious men. I like to feel as if I admire the men I date and, if I’m honest, I like to feel that they are, at least in some ways, smarter and more capable than me. Beyond that, I want to stay curious and open.
I’ve shortened “I want to laugh, and since witty humor is not my best quality, I want my partner to be much funnier (and happy to be funnier) than I am.” to simply “Makes me laugh.” I added this criterion because I was in a relationship with an exceptionally witty and funny man. I love that quality in him. But I’ve realized that the many different qualities that make other men “who they are” can defy my desire for that same degree of humor and many of my other criteria.
I want to reserve the right to edit any of my 57 criteria, question my assumptions, and change my mind.
I hope that sharing my list and my thoughts on this topic will help others define their needs and desires. I feel certain that this post will backfire in at least one unintentional way. As always, I look forward to learning from my imperfections.
Thanks for reading.
