Spoiler alert: I don’t have pancreatic cancer; however, I had an MRI recently because my doctors thought there was a chance that I did. You might imagine that the anticipation of this test would cause a high level of stress for me, but oddly, it did not. If this health scare had come at any other time in my 45 years, I would have lost sleep and experienced anxiety for weeks leading up to this test. What’s different now? I’d like to tell you.
About ten years ago, I started asking myself three questions each day:
What would I do differently if I could shed the fear of being judged?
What would I do differently if I only had three years to live? (I say three years vs. six months because a three-year timeline is more akin to the changes I would make in everyday life, vs. the base-jumping-without-a-parachute, blow-your-money-traveling, what-happens-in-Vegas-stays-in-Vegas kind of behavior that a six-month prognosis can inspire.)
When something seems hard, what would the challenge look like if it felt easy, and what can I do differently to make it that way?
This podcast episode: Elizabeth Kraus Asks Herself Three Questions Each Day, perhaps the most insightful interview I’ve ever delivered, shares the lessons I learned leading up to this journey.
For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I would not make any material changes to the way I live my life if I only had three years to live and could shed the fear of judgment. I can also say that my life feels easy, despite the fact that most people would view many of my current challenges as HARD.
I can say these things in part because I have been asking myself these questions for over a decade, and because shortly after I delivered the Three Questions interview, I was forced to slow down and look more closely at my life. A cancerous tumor curved my spine, COVID hit, I left a picture-perfect 16-year marriage, and I transitioned out of a career that had given me a sense of purpose for 15 years. I was forced to confront life in its most unpolished form.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that I am not in control, that everything happens for a reason, and that gratitude for both life’s most beautiful moments and its most challenging moments is the path to happiness. Yet while I believed these things in principle, I was unsure if I still would when life tested me. This recent health scare was a good test.
When I heard that there was a possibility that I had pancreatic cancer, I expected to feel a wave of fear. It felt more like a small twinge. I expected to feel an overwhelming sense of fear between the time I had the MRI and the time I had the results. It felt like a slightly more painful twinge. When I thought about the possibility that I could die, I realized that I felt fear, but not strongly. I’m not sure I will ever be able to say that I don’t fear cancer or death. But, at least for today, I can say that my fear is manageable and does not impede my ability to enjoy life.
I am grateful that I do not have pancreatic cancer. I am almost as grateful that I can accept that there is always a chance that today will be the last day of my life. When that day comes, I will die feeling deeply grateful for all the days leading up to my final day.
ALSO, I want to underscore what I shared on the Imperfectly Honest podcast: Preventive Health | An Honest Conversation That Could Save Your Life. Per Doctor Lipton’s advice in this episode, I completed a full-body Prenuvo scan, which showed a growth in my pancreas. If the growth had been cancerous, I would have found it much earlier. I had no symptoms.
I hope this story will inspire you to live each day as if it were your last AND take the time for preventative health that may buy you many, many, many more days.
Onward and upward.
