It’s been a year since the sudden and unexpected loss of my sister. I’m feeling drawn to my earlier IH blog post form, of Past Sheila writing to Today Me for advice to get clarity on a past choice. Here goes…
Dear Today Me,
It’s March 2023 and I’m in Seattle, just coming off cancer surgery and radiation treatment. I need to move out of my current apartment, and the time seems right to move closer to my sister, who prefers to live on the east coast. Her life-long mental health struggles have led us to form an intense, albeit challenging, bond. I hesitate leaving Seattle, where my son, daughter-in-law and new grandson live, and also have concerns that our personality differences may not translate well when she and I are consistently up close and personal.
Past Sheila
Dear Past Sheila,
It’s somewhat sad for me to write this, because your concerns were valid. You and she had very different needs in the time after your move, and her mental health issues (fueled by outside circumstances) escalated to the point where you, and many healthcare providers, couldn’t help her anymore.
Your resulting grief and the impact of her loss have taken a toll on your health and well-being since then. You’re working your way back, but some of the scars to your psyche will probably remain.
That being said, I’m not inclined to second-guess your decision to spend what sadly turned out to be that last year with her. There were a lot of moments of laughter, joy, and intense connection. You set reasonable boundaries for the relationship, more so than in the past. That process did lead to some awkwardness and discomfort between the two of you. But it was a necessary step for you to take, one which will help you in future dynamics with other loved ones.
In addition, in the darkest times of last summer, loved ones were there for you. You forged a bond with a new friend, which continues to provide much joy and comfort. Your recognition of the tenuousness of life has led you to embrace these writings and conversations with Elizabeth on this Imperfectly Honest forum, and in a more enhanced authentic and intense manner.
And you discovered a deep well of strength inside yourself, one which you may have feared had gone missing.
While I (Today Me) may be in your (Past Sheila’s) future, even I don’t have the ability to see what would have happened if you had stayed in Seattle. Your sister’s struggles were intensely her own, compounded by other forces that were out of your control. Unfortunately, when things go awry in our lives, we often convince ourselves that a different choice may have produced a more positive result. But the truth is, we just don’t know if that’s the case, and never will.
The best we can do is learn something. There are all kinds of famous quotes I could throw at you, involving lemons and lemonade, cracks that let the light in, darkness allowing us to see the stars. Instead, I’ll just provide those Cliff Notes versions.
Today Me
Both Past Sheila and Today Me feeI the same way: I miss my sister every day. She was my best friend and together we helped each other weather many of life’s storms. Plus, there were so very many times we laughed until we couldn’t breathe. In a lot of different ways, she was the strongest person I will ever know.
Sometimes I just still can’t stop myself from going down that “woulda, coulda, shoulda” rabbit hole. I appreciate you going along for that ride here.
No doubt about it, the road taken (or not) can often be a challenging one to look back on. The best case scenario when we navigate that difficult glance in the rear view mirror is to take care to recalculate future directions, always with a firm eye on those lessons learned.
I agree, beautifully written. Brave but hopefully cathartic to voice your feelings publicly. I’m sure your sister agrees.🩵
That was beautifully written, Sheila. Both your love and anguish come through. So sorry for your loss.