Hi there, it’s Sheila. After taking a hiatus to pursue my own path, I’m welcoming the opportunity to occasionally return to Imperfectly Honest as a guest blogger and podcast guest. Thanks Elizabeth!
Recently, I’ve come to realize how forcing down my beets when I was a child, and checking my social media pages these days, are somewhat related.
They are both activities that have won a place on my list of “why am I doing this when I don’t really enjoy it?” But, stick with me, it’s more than that.
The greater link is the fact that my overwhelming motivation in both those situations was for positive feedback. Whether it was the clapping hands and “good girl” coming from my mom long ago, or those happy emojis that pop up in the days after I’ve posted a funny quote or a video I enjoyed.
It got me thinking. When should we move past that positive reinforcement/learning phase, which seems so essential to our childhood development? It goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway: both adult role modeling and that aforementioned handclapping guide young brains toward habits, behaviors, etc., that give rise to kind, empathetic, and emotionally and physically healthy adults.
Genetics aside, we come into this world with a bit of a blank slate. Any and all interactions during those formative years leave an indelible mark, so it’s definitely a win when those communications are uplifting ones.
But isn’t there a point when we need to depend less on the constant validation of others? Wouldn’t it be best to eventually move toward putting more effort into recognizing the worth of what’s been written on that figurative whiteboard in our very own heads—in other words, placing value on the perspectives emanating from inside ourselves, moving outward, and depending less on the ones coming from the opposite direction?
If I’m honest, I will admit that I still struggle with that question. Perhaps I always will.
But I don’t think I’m alone in this. I feel as if many of us regularly say or do things solely for the validation we receive from others.
I’m totally taking out of the mix the choices we make with our time, our efforts, and our money, in order to improve the lives of family, friends, and others in need. Humanity—including philanthropic efforts and civil discourse—would grind to a halt if the feelings, and even reactions, of others, weren’t a part of the equation in our everyday actions.
I’m thinking more about the things we do only because of those positive reactions we might elicit.
As in…
– wearing clothing that’s uncomfortable yet very fashionable (pointy-toe/spike heels, I see you!)
– continuing in a relationship with someone who may be a 10 on the attractive meter, yet the romantic chemistry warrants a D−
– or, as I mentioned already, constantly yearning to see a lot of thumbs-up, heart emojis, and (best of all) positive comments on our Facebook or Instagram page.
I sometimes worry I’ve morphed a bit into Pavlov’s dog. Salivating at the sound of a bell, even when the food for body and soul is missing.
I don’t know how to solve this dilemma. But, as with so many of life’s foibles, just recognizing the challenge can take you quite a few steps closer to the solution.
And just in case you were wondering … I haven’t eaten a beet since I was seven years old. Granted, the applause/positive feedback stopped long before that, but it took me a while to figure out how to hide those pesky veggies in my dinner napkin.
POSTSCRIPT…
Today I returned to physical therapy for a shoulder injury, after a break of a few weeks. Having done the recommended daily exercises at home in that interim, it was great to receive a good report card on my improvement.
I mean, it wasn’t a real report card, but my wonderful PT provider was very positive in his feedback. It made my day.
So yes, as I’m still basking in the glow of his kind words, I’ll admit that “gold star” moments of positive reinforcement from another can still feel good. Forget everything I just said. 😉
