Anyone who knows me is well aware of my love of analogies. So, buckle up (pun very much intended)—this one is a doozy.
In many ways, parenting is actually the ultimate road trip.
Why, you ask?
Ok, you may not have asked and, in fact, are already rolling your eyes, finger poised over the delete button. But, in the spirit of being on the road, I’m putting the pedal to the metal, peeling out, and zooming ahead.
This parenting road trip starts out in a small car. Very intense, 24/7 interactions and you (a/k/a parents) are in the driver’s seat, in control of the wheel. Which helps you move along to where you want, where you all need to go. But those times can be challenging, especially when you’re bone-tired, the road is slick from rain or snow, and the baby is crying non-stop. The highway ahead seems endless, and whatever life you used to have disappears in the rearview mirror and feels lost to you forever. In other words, to quote one of my favorite songwriter musicians, you sometimes feel as if you’re “running on empty.”
Again, this part of the road trip is very intense.
Eventually, with sighs of relief, you switch to another vehicle. Now you’re in a minivan or an SUV, all still together but with more room to feel separate sometimes. Kid(s) are sitting further back, wearing headphones and distracted by the newest shiny objects. You/parent(s) are still at the wheel, but sometimes distracted also, talking and listening to your own entertainments. There are more sights to observe and explore together, and fewer needs for 24/7 caretaking. Conversations are more interesting and frequently joyful. Including the questions. Lots and lots and lots of questions.
For right now, you are still owning that driver’s seat. Trying to be emotionally present, especially when the headphones come off for a minute. For a talk or just for a hug.
Now comes the fun part. (There definitely needs to be a sarcastic font for those last three words.)
Your kid(s) and you fight over EVERYTHING (or maybe it just feels like that sometimes). Which road to take, how slow you’re driving, the need to stop more for snacks and bathroom breaks. The arguing can go ‘round and ‘round and ‘round. Or maybe it just sits there, simmering in stony silence. Sometimes the kids even disappear at rest stops for a while, and you have to hunt them down and get them back in the minivan. It’s a different kind of intense. Less hands on, physical. More in your head, cerebral. The surrounding traffic is heavier, with lots of other cars and their passengers impacting your route.
And then things really change. The kids get to drive on their own, and you wait behind for them to circle back to get you. Which is like this for them, but not as much fun for you.
And they don’t always keep you in the loop on their side trips. So there’s a lot more of that “in your head” stress and anxiety, less of that “bone-tired, running on empty” stuff from the beginning of the trip.
Then comes the fork in the road, with two separate cars waiting.
After that, your children branch off in other directions and the times their car is in your sights are the best. They may have a few other passengers themselves now. But it’s harder to sync the trip with them and there may be times when you’re not even sure where they’ve been or where they’re going.
There are times when your children may actually want to get back in your car because their own journey gets difficult. It can feel wonderful to be needed like that again. But you know that helping them get back to navigating their own trip eventually is what is best.
This “separate but sometimes together” path ends up clocking the most mileage for this parenting road trip, overall. And, after so much oversight and togetherness in those earlier times, there’s definitely a different vibe to the journey now.
So, it’s actually good for a parent to pivot a bit and maybe explore (re-explore) their own places, as seen in those rearview mirror images from long ago.
(Sidenote – If I can move cross-country and reinvent myself in Colorado in my 50s, and become a blogger and podcast host in my 60s, there’s definitely hope for everyone!)
Oh well, I just noticed my “check engine” light is on (so many puns involved here, so little time), and I think I’ve taken this analogy far enough. You can finish the road trip for yourself. We all do, and it’s different for everyone.
I will end, though, with this gift, so you can actually hear those lyrics cited above. I think it may be a special treat for my fellow baby boomers.
One more line in that song, credit to Jackson Browne, may resonate for parents everywhere.
Spot on! Such a great analogy – really resonated with me as I looked back on my own road trip with my four kids. We had our share of open roads as well as the occasional breakdowns and potholes. Jackson Browne had it right.