Back when I was a communications major in college, the emphasis was on developing skills in argumentation and persuasion. And when I was studying to be an attorney, the training continued to emphasize the importance of my words, versus the words from others that would land inside my head.
Talking, rather than listening and observing, became my default approach in most situations, personal and professional. However, after decades of following that route, I’ve changed my way of thinking.
Now, I aspire to spend less time speaking and more time listening. And observing, too. It does seem to make sense—given the two eyes, two ears, one mouth thing.
One observation I’ve made? It’s actually a pretty good plan. Most people appreciate and become more engaged when they feel seen and heard. They value it more than being fed any pearls of wisdom I may want to dispense.
Is it easy? Certainly not. Am I always successful? Nope. The bite marks on my tongue testify to my learning curve.
Is it worth it? Absolutely! It’s surprising the insights we gain, and how many “lightbulb over the head” moments follow these interactions. Yes, sometimes it takes a while to process all we’ve heard. But it is hard to deny that our relationships are often enhanced by giving someone the room, and time, to share their thoughts.
Think for a moment how you feel following a conversation in which it seemed your companion was actually listening, rather than barely waiting for your mouth to close so that they could expound on their own opinions.
Sometimes when a topic comes up, I think “Maybe I should interject and share my knowledge, experiences, and expertise on that issue?” In those situations, I first try (while keeping my mouth firmly closed) to figure out whether my comments might actually add to the discussion, or whether I’m just unleashing that dreaded “know-it-all” side of my personality, something that rarely serves me (or anyone).
I admit that old habits are hard to break. But I only need to look in the mirror to recall what our facial anatomy instructs us to do.
Although… I’m still trying to figure out where that two-nostril thing fits into this particular equation.
In any case, in the spirit of this post, I would love to hear from you. What are your communication habits and how have they changed with time?
